I have just got back from the Fourways Life hospital where Colin is in the ICU again. He got there around maybe 2:15pm, and I was only able to see him after 5 or so. He is in terrible pain, and is back on the filter on the trachy which means he can’t really talk. He is not feeling well, and he said he was struggling to breathe. His oxygen saturation was 96% so perhaps it was some sort of pain reaction or anxiety that makes him think he can’t get breath, but I don’t know what to do. He kept repeating “help me, help me” and I wasn’t able to do anything for him. The nurses just stood there and said he was fine, and that the Doc was busy resuscitating someone so he was not immediately available either.
The Doc says that quads are prone to infections and have much shorter life expectancy periods. I don’t want to believe that, but he tried to explain about how the lungs and bladder are compromised and that infections are just looking for any opportunity.
The Doc also says that he will have to discuss with the urologist, but he thinks they will have to operate to open his right testicle to allow the extra fluid that is causing the swelling to come out; but he says they will have to wait until he is strong enough to handle the surgery. His blood pressure was 78 over 50 when he got there, and his heart rate was 225. He looked as if he was in so much pain that I wanted to just be able to do something to help him, but there is nothing I can do. When I finally got to speak to him, he seemed confused and was sort of going in and out of sleep, so I left him to sleep, but feel so terribly guilty about not seeing him yesterday and then only again today in the late afternoon as they started the process of his transfer around 9:30 this morning.
I just feel so helpless and unable to do anything that is required. I just want to be able to be by his side but the visiting hours are so short and it is so far away. There are road works, and today it took us over an hour and a half to get there. That was not during a peak time. I don’t know how I am going to be able to do this. I don’t have what he needs, and it is killing me inside. I just want him to be ok but he won’t ever be. This is going to be a constant struggle for the rest of our lives and I don’t know if I can cope. It is just too difficult and I am so angry that it has happened.
Today I am grateful for my Dad who is my absolute rock. I just wouldn’t be able to do this without him.