Day 53

Colin was supposed to have gone back to the rehab today, but will have to be another 2 days in the ICU. He will have to be assessed tomorrow by the person from rehab, and then that report have to be written and given in, and then he will be able to go back. 🙁

It is very frustrating because it is two days of a higher rate, 2 more days of unnecessary risk to more infection, and 2 more days he feels he is losing ground not being able to do his physio and gym workouts. It is also very difficult because the level of patient care in the ICU is focused in a different direction. The nurses are all really good, but they don’t have the same priorities. For example, he will not die if he doesn’t get a single sip of water all day because he is on a drip, but in terms of his comfort, he would like to be able to have some water at intervals throughout the day. Lip ice, scratches, cream on his face, legs, arms, feet, being able to be fed in a specific way, have the pillows adjusted “just so”, having the towel behind his head “just so”, and so much more are things that are not the priority in the ICU. The level of comfort awareness at the rehab is just different, and Colin misses his other friends and the nurses who know exactly how he likes things done, and those who fiddle more than once to get the sweet spot, etc.

He is in a dark place right now, and he cried a little because of a few things, but mostly, he is devastated because he feels he can’t be here to support his children, and he feels angry, frustrated, and absolutely devastated that he has to be happy with being able to lift or move something just a little instead of being able to do fully what he used to be able to. I don’t know how to help him navigate this, other than by just being there for him, and it is breaking both his heart, and mine. He is, and has always been a tremendously strong man, and to see him like this is almost too much to bear. I cannot begin to understand how terrible he must feel, and the only thing I can do is be there for him.

This journey is starting to be real, and the path stretches out longer and longer each day. I know this path is known to some, but we haven’t even really been able to understand how long this going to be, and how strong we are going to have to be. I am going to have to learn so much, and relearn other things. I am going to have to be stronger than I ever knew I could be for him, and I hope I am up to the task. I would give my life for him to be better, and it just hurts so much to see him like this.

Today I am grateful for my family and friends – far and wide – who are holding me up during this time. When I am hanging by a thread, they seem to know and just send me sewing kits to mend my broken heart, send me jokes to remind me to laugh, and send me good news they are having to remind me that there is always hope. I am truly surrounded by love, and I hope that one day you will all know how much I have valued you all. Each and every one. Thank you <3