Caution: grumping ahead…
Learning is uncomfortable, and it is exhausting, and I am surrounded by a swarm of grump bees, and I am eating wooly worms.
Today, Colin had an appointment at the rehab with his Doc, and then he had an appointment with the dentist too. This, together with the slight complication of our carer who has been fully trained in bed and car transfers letting me know at 6am today he was unable to come today, changed the plans.
Our second carer (Mpho) waited for a very long time in the taxi queue after being notified that he was working only this morning, and arrived just after 9. I had woken Colin earlier at 7 so I could start his daily routine, but because I am not strong enough, even to just turn him in bed by myself, it took me ages. In the end, we were 10 minutes late for the Doc’s appointment which was at 10, but luckily (or unluckily) she was also running late. We saw her around 11am, and were finished just in time to get back across town to the dentist at 2pm. Don’t ask me how it takes so long to do things, it just does. I am so tired I am weepy, emotional, and off-centre, so I am trying not to make any decisions, but it is really difficult because the second carer and I have not yet clicked (he has only been with us 3 days), and we have different ways of doing things. He doesn’t seem to listen to me or Colin when we are directing, but it not strong enough to do it hos own way, and this makes me enormously anxious. He has already dropped Colin once because he has not had the training, and doesn’t seem to be able to intuit the way to do things. I mean, it really is a difficult procedure and requires lots of technical ability and know-how, practise, and strength; but I felt today there were two times when the transfer board was slipping and he didn’t seem to really have the level of urgency I would expect, and also demand. Colin was slipping, the board was actually slipping away, and I am just not able to hold him or pick him up myself, and my hands are sore and my fingers are sore and my nails (which for once are not bitten) have been pressed into my hands so hard that it hurts to type but Mpho didn’t seem to really do what I feel is required. I am physically so tired that I can’t even seem to contemplate getting out of my chair to go have a shower and get into bed.
Mpho is a very caring and empathetic carer, but I wonder if he will have what it takes to assist with even just getting out of bed, into the commode, back into the chair, back into bed, and so on on a daily basis. Never mind car transfers which will have to happen a minimum of twice a week due to out-patient therapy. And I don’t want to have 2 carers at a time (even though the level of dis-ability of Colin has means we actually need 2 full-time carers) because there is not enough space in my head, in the house, and in the car for this, and also it simply costs too much.
To add to this, Colin had a lengthy appointment at the dentist, and I think I had an anxiety attack. I suddenly felt hot and cold and nauseous and dizzy and had to sit down on the floor. I know that dental work is above the level of injury and it won’t even potentially cause autonomic dysreflexia, but I am so worried and still so afraid that Colin is not ok. I know he is, and I know he is able to say if he is not, but I seem to be at the end of my rope again.
Colin is being so loving and caring, and let me sleep through helping him with putting on his sleep mask and sleeping splints because he can see I am tired, but that just makes me feel guilty and sad and just so unequal to the task. I know I am doing everything I can, and I know that Colin is ok, and truly appreciates everything I do, but I am just too tired tonight. I am afraid that this is how tired I am going to be every day, and how worried and how not-together I feel, and I don’t know if I can do this. I feel terribly guilty and selfish and feeble. I am afraid that I am not going to be able to find joy in doing this on a daily basis, and I am afraid that I am going to let Colin down.
Today I am grateful for the fact that tomorrow is always another day, and I can soon go to sleep and start again.
Good night Colin my love – Thank you for being so patient with me. <3