Today Colin said he was having a good day. I have not seen him today, and I am missing him terribly. I am so tired I am weepy, even though there is nothing wrong. I just feel tired and sad. I feel undone and hopeless, and I feel devastated for Colin that the reality of the situation cannot be changed. He is working really hard at the physio, and is getting a bit stronger every day, but his body has betrayed him, and his wonderful brain is stuck in a broken body.
Tears are streaming down my cheeks as I type this, but I just don’t know how to do this anymore. I feel like I need a week solid of just sleeping. The travel, although it only takes me about three quarters of an hour each way, is becoming something I dread simply because of the lawless idiots who drive through the traffic lights as if they are not there, and almost drive into the back of me every time I dare to stop at a stop street. It just feels like I am not coping very well at the moment.
I feel like I am in a limbo state where we don’t know what will happen, or even how to plan financially. Although Colin’s work has been absolutely wonderful, there is a gap of three months between the date of the accident and the possibility of him being boarded and receiving his disability payout. I have been in the fortunate position of not having to work for the last few years, and so now we are not earning any money. Now we are facing the next 3 months with no money coming in, and the uncertainty of him needing more recuperation time if he is able to go back to work, or if he even wants to go back to work. That time is upon us now. Right now. And I am scared and nervous, and worried, and I feel that I am letting Colin down because I am not being as strong as we need me to be.
The renovations to the house to make it safe and friendly will have to be done, and I have had a few people in today to do quotes. The quotes should be in by Friday, but we also have to consider a way of bringing the wheelchair in a car for travel – this means either a huge van, or a slightly cheaper option of a wheelchair hitch and a tow bar installed. We have to install it on my Dad’s aging Scenic, which has had a few electronic issues, but should last at least another few years. Touch wood.
There is still a bunch of admin to be done, and so many things still to consider and to plan for, and to set up and to pay for, and to tidy up, and I just want to go to sleep.
I love Colin so much and I miss him so much every day.
Today I am grateful for sleep, a warm bed, a new day tomorrow, and my Colin who is so strong it makes me feel ashamed sometimes, that I am so weak.