Today I am grateful for sleeping, my bath, and wonderful, wonderful warm water.
I am starting to feel how tired I am, but have been so uplifted by so many people. Yesterday morning I went to see my friends at the scrapping shop, and that was such an uplifting thing. I need to remember to let people help me, let them love me, and keep living my life. I am also happy that Morgan and her friends seem to have had such a wonderful time at Gold Reef yesterday. It is great to see her smile and laugh and just be normal with her friends.
I had a dream last night where we went to visit Colin and he was walking around and plugging in his computer, and doing all sorts of things where he was rushing around. It was such a wonderful dream to see him just as he was before, and I really miss him. I miss sleeping with him next to me – the bed is just far too large without him, and even though I snore quite loudly, he used to just randomly hold my hand at night, and I really miss that too. I miss waking up and seeing him first. I miss his showing me funny videos on You tube. I miss his hugs, and his presence here. I can only imagine what he is going through – all alone, unable to speak, unable to move. My heart bleeds for him, and I just want to make it all better. But I can’t.
I never will be able to.
This is just such an awful, awful thing. But, we are still lucky. Yesterday when I went to see my friends, one of the ladies in the card class got an emergency SMS – her son was in ICU with a brain injury. He had fallen off a chair. He is only 32. This morning, we found out her son had died last night. There is so much sadness out there, and I TRULY value and appreciate every single interaction with people. Whatever form it takes. I am grateful for technology that I can manage to keep everyone updated without having to call each one and repeat the story/update/wins/news, etc. I am grateful for the Internet that is allowing me to get some information to start with. I am grateful to my Dad who is just a rock. He has sent me a link to a sort of iron-man type chest thingy that can allow connections to any current technology such as PCs, phones, tablets, and more to be able to be operated with most accessories such as sip and push switches, wheelchair joy sticks, headgear, and more. I am sure that Colin doesn’t want to accept the reality just yet, but as my Dad says – this is not unknown territory. It is for us, but there are people who have been through this, and the path is so much easier because we can learn from others successes, trials, things that didn’t work for so and so, etc. I can begin to see the way forward, and it gives me hope.
I slept in this morning, and only woke up at around 11:20. I am grateful for sleeping tablets, and for my fitbit which also tells me how much I have slept. Colin always jokes and says I never know if I am tired until I have seen how many hours I have slept.
Here is my sleeping so far:
Last night was 9 hours and 7 minutes
1 hour 43,
1 hour 3,
6 hours 50,
3 hours 56,
5 hours 53,
2 hours 30,
1 hour 43.
All I can say is: no wonder I am tired.
I am finding this outlet so useful to just express how I am feeling. I also know that people are reading it so they can get updates on Colin, and I appreciate that. I am also going to start using this as a place to record any medical details so we can have a trail that we can use if we need it. My cousin in Canada is in rehab of kids with similar injuries and she has been a fountain of useful and practical ideas. She has suggested that I may find it helpful to have a history of medical details so that we have a historical and technical trail of the journey if we need it.
I am going to go see Colin shortly and will update once I return.
Have a lovely day.